Somewhere in southern Louisiana iPhone and I got in a fight. It was more of a test of will, one that phone bested me in. Apparently it decided it didn’t want to live anymore and died in my hands. Seeing as I was hundreds of miles away from my house (I don’t know geography or distance all that well, it could have been millions of miles for all I give a fuck), I realized I needed to find my way from central Louisiana to southern Mississippi then to western Louisiana back to central. All without my mapapp. And any common sense.
Since, like I said, I lack all common sense this plan seemed easy enough to tackle. Mississippi? It’s to the right. Louisiana go back left. What other directions do you need?
An unfortunate realization hit me as I made my way around southern Louisiana. Pay phones have gone way of the dinosaur. Actually, now that I have a new cell phone (fuck you stupid Apple), I realize that the fact I’d sooner find a velociraptor than a pay phone is actually safer. I’d rather be chased by a dinosaur any day than any one of the people I’ve seen milling around a pay phone.
Someone advised me in my search to find a pay phone: “go to the most ghetto area and find the most ghetto convenient store.” I wasn’t looking to score drugs. Nor was I looking to die, so I just stopped at an average-to-poor gas station and asked if they have one. No. But I can attest to the fact that southern Louisiana, for this point Lafayette to be exact, is full of friendly people. As I stood outside the average-to-poor gas station pondering my next move (since I had no idea where I was or where I was going), a gay black man dressed like a pimp asked if I wanted to use his galaxy. Yes. I absolutely do.
As I took his iPad sized phone, I was thinking ‘who owns a galaxy?’ but then came to the realization that I soon will because I’m going to go burn down my local Apple Store. Then I had another thought, that the only other person I have met that owns a galaxy lives in Baton Rouge. Do all people in Louisiana have galaxies? Do I have to move there once I get mine?
Once (five years ago) I was in New Orleans supposed to meet a friend living there for drinks. He canceled and wanted to reschedule for the next night but I told him I had to be in Lafayette so that was a no-go. What he informed me next has stuck with me for years. “Everyone in Lafayette has syphillis so you should stay in New Orleans.” Everyone?! I was intrigued. Sounded like World War Z in the making. Since then I have always made it a point, when someone says they’re from Lafayette to ask if they have syphillis. The reaction to that question is varied, I’ve been laughed at, looked at like I was about to be murdered and even several plain, “no, do you?”. “Oh me? No. No syphillis. I’m from Texas.”
So around 8pm (after leaving the house at 8am), I finally made my way back home with a new found respect for galaxy owners and pimps alike. They’re not all bad people. I’m thinking I’m about to join them.
I forgot all pictures so here’s this.
Vodka & Pancakes 