Vodka & Pancakes

the things I eat and the drinks I drink…a Louisiana blog

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Galaxies, Syphillis & Pay Phones. All in Louisiana.

Somewhere in southern Louisiana iPhone and I got in a fight.  It was more of a test of will, one that phone bested me in. Apparently it decided it didn’t want to live anymore and died in my hands.  Seeing as I was hundreds of miles away from my house (I don’t know geography or distance all that well, it could have been millions of miles for all I give a fuck), I realized I needed to find my way from central Louisiana to southern Mississippi then to western Louisiana back to central.  All without my mapapp.  And any common sense.

Since, like I said, I lack all common sense this plan seemed easy enough to tackle.  Mississippi?  It’s to the right.  Louisiana go back left.  What other directions do you need?

An unfortunate realization hit me as I made my way around southern Louisiana.  Pay phones have gone way of the dinosaur.  Actually, now that I have a new cell phone (fuck you stupid Apple), I realize that the fact I’d sooner find a velociraptor than a pay phone is actually safer.  I’d rather be chased by a dinosaur any day than any one of the people I’ve seen milling around a pay phone.


Someone advised me in my search to find a pay phone: “go to the most ghetto area and find the most ghetto convenient store.”  I wasn’t looking to score drugs.  Nor was I looking to die, so I just stopped at an average-to-poor gas station and asked if they have one.  No.  But I can attest to the fact that southern Louisiana, for this point Lafayette to be exact, is full of friendly people.  As I stood outside the average-to-poor gas station pondering my next move (since I had no idea where I was or where I was going), a gay black man dressed like a pimp asked if I wanted to use his galaxy.  Yes.  I absolutely do.

As I took his iPad sized phone, I was thinking ‘who owns a galaxy?’ but then came to the realization that I soon will because I’m going to go burn down my local Apple Store.  Then I had another thought, that the only other person I have met that owns a galaxy lives in Baton Rouge.  Do all people in Louisiana have galaxies?  Do I have to move there once I get mine?

Once (five years ago) I was in New Orleans supposed to meet a friend living there for drinks.  He canceled and wanted to reschedule for the next night but I told him I had to be in Lafayette so that was a no-go.  What he informed me next has stuck with me for years.  “Everyone in Lafayette has syphillis so you should stay in New Orleans.”  Everyone?!  I was intrigued.  Sounded like World War Z in the making.  Since then I have always made it a point, when someone says they’re from Lafayette to ask if they have syphillis.  The reaction to that question is varied, I’ve been laughed at, looked at like  I was about to be murdered and even several plain, “no, do you?”.  “Oh me?  No.  No syphillis.  I’m from Texas.”

So around 8pm (after leaving the house at 8am), I finally made my way back home with a new found respect for galaxy owners and pimps alike.  They’re not all bad people.  I’m thinking I’m about to join them.


I forgot all pictures so here’s this.


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Oklahoma. Fried Pies, Meth & Casinos.

Oklahoma.  I had once referred to as the ‘Land of Shitty Casinos and even Shittier Beer’.  But there is so much more…

Upon driving into Oklahoma, I saw the person driving in their pickup truck in front of me throw what I believe to be a bottle of pee in a Dasani water bottle out of the car.  I knew it was going to be a long day.


I drove past Winstar Casino, which embodies London, Rome and Paris in its architecture, as you enter Oklahoma.  I haven’t been to London but now there is no need.  This was exactly how I had envisioned it.

I’ve never really been a big fan of Oklahoma but I think it all stems from a weekend long fraternity party somewhere in OK I went to every year while in college.  Apparently a year is just long enough for you to forget the terrible time you had the year before and agree to go again.  There’s less alcohol in the beer and when you can only afford Keystone you might as well save the money and drink water.  You’ll get just as drunk.


Although I did run across a couple things of interest while traversing up and down 35.  The most interesting thing I found to be is the billboards.   Is meth really that big of a problem that there is a need for a meth/suicide billboard every 2 miles?  I did see a news story the other day about how a group blew up in their car while driving around making meth in the backseat.    I must be in the wrong profession.

They also have some good ones about prescription drug fraud and a really intense pro-life campaign.  I don’t need that shit while I’m driving.

fried pies

An exciting piece of information is they sell fried pies literally everywhere.  Growing up, my brother used to eat those fried apple pies from Mrs Bairds and drink cokes like he was employed to do it.  This must have been before people worried about things like ‘caloric intake’  and ‘childhood obesity.’  He finally stopped around the age of 30 when his wife informed him that by consuming the two a day that was his general fried pie consumption, he was going to die before they were able to ever have children.

pbutter sammie

As a rule, when traveling by car there is no stopping once we start.  So while someone throwing a bottle of pees out of their car is incredibly gross, conceptually I get it.  We stop for no reason.  So I brought my own peanut butter sammie.

I actually took this pic so you could see my sweet ride in the background.   Have you ever noticed people do that on Facebook?  Like, oh let me take a picture of the temperature gauge in my car to show you it’s currently 102 degrees but let me just happen to get my mercedes icon in the background.  It’s 102 degrees today in Texas and you drive a mercedes. Fantastic.   I eat peanut butter sammies in my car and I drive a four year old Volvo.


So as I drive back home, listening to ABBA, I’m realizing there might be more to Oklahoma than I had originally led myself to believe.  And am contemplating who to contact about getting a meth billboard outside my new digs.  Waylan and Little Joe are about on my last nerve.