If you are looking for helpful service, or at least friendly people, this isn’t the place for you. But if you are looking for absolutely beautiful flowers then just ignore the people that work there and go to Artistic Flowers on 7th.
It’s odd, you walk in and they look at you like you just wandered in the back door of their house. As in, ‘what could you possibly be doing here?’ “You do sell all these flowers…right?”
Anyway, so I did that then I got the most brilliant idea I had ever had. I would go to Trader Joe’s on opening day at lunchtime.
There are several things to be said about this place:
First, I saw someone carrying a beeper. There is no way this person was a doctor. Doctors are not at Trader Joe’s opening day at lunchtime, we leave that to old people and people like me with too much time on our hands.
Second, all I want to do is complain but that place, once you take away the 950 people, is amazing. I am throwing a party for 50 people tonight (I started planning yesterday before walking into the flower shop. Procrastinate-it makes your brain work faster) and they have everything I could possibly need. Except Stoli.
But last and the least important, there were two college kids (honestly looked like they were 12) in front of me in line buying two bottles of wine. I was amazed. They were willing to wait over 45 minutes in line to buy two fucking bottles of wine. I questioned their intelligence, not just because of the $4 of wine they were so patiently waiting to purchase but also because of the scenario unfolding in front of me. She was pretty (prettier if she showered) and he was a short fat kid with acne. She obviously has self esteem issues but was all over him like a college kid on $2 wine. When I say “all over” I think a better representation of what was unfolding before me would be more like a mother chimpanzees manhandling their young at the zoo. So I sat through that for 45 minutes questioning my tolerance for Trader Joe’s and PDA among fat kids when I finally got to the front of the line. Boom. Best day of my life until…
As I am leaving, the cashier says, “do you want a free sticker?” I heard “do you want a free Snickers?” I always say yes to free Snickers and am handed a scratch and sniff sticker. No, I don’t want a fucking sticker. Sure, give it to me.
As I am driving home through the Hulen construction and midday traffic, I contemplated what I should do. Do I jump off a bridge or walk in front of a bus.
Oh, Trader Joe’s. I’m an idiot.